Don’t just lie there letting your thoughts run away from rationality. Don’t give your depression this perfect opportunity to step forward as the dominant voice. Find a distraction. For me, my best middle-of-the-night friend is late-night television or a movie I’ve rented. I even plan for my bouts of insomnia and record favorite T.V. shows earlier in the day or evening. That way I have the most entertaining distraction at 3:00 a.m., one that keeps the negative thinking at bay. As a bonus, recorded shows provide commercial-free viewing!

You might find that a good book is a better distraction, but if you’re such as I am, depression has robbed me of my focus and concentration. I can rarely make it past a book’s first chapter. I used to be an avid reader, finishing two books a week. But since my depression has taken hold, I haven’t read a complete book in over 4 years. I don’t want to discourage you from turning to literature if reading is still something you can do. I’ve compensated for being unable to read books by turning to magazine and newspaper articles. My shorter attention span is better adapted to their short lengths, and there’s something to be said for just looking at the pictures — especially when you’re exhausted and have heavy eyelids.

I’ve found that turning my attention in the middle of the night to some distraction actually helps me get to sleep. There have been many mornings that I’ve awakened on the den couch with the television still on or a magazine dropped on the floor beside me. Even if you still can’t sleep, entertaining your mind sure beats letting it take over and fill you with the anguish depression brings.

When insomnia and depression assert themselves, fight back with the distraction of T.V. or an interesting read.

Relationship pain is as real as mental anguish and physical pain with depression.

In his New York Times magazine article, A DepressionSwitch, on April 2, 2006, science writer David Dobbs quoted Helen S. Mayberg, M.D., professor of psychiatry neurology, as saying, “Most people think of depression as a deficit state. You’re low, you’re negative. But in fact, talk to a depressed person, and you have this bizarre combination of numbness and what William James called ‘an active anguish.’ ‘A sort of psychical neuralgia,’ he said, ‘wholly unknown to healthy life.’ You’re numb but you hurt. You can’t think, but you are in pain. Now, how does your psyche hurt? What a weird choice of words. But it’s not an arbitrary choice. It’s there. These people are feeling a particular, indescribable kind of pain.”

For those of us who have major depression, we know this truth: depression hurts. There is “an active anguish” of which William James speaks. This mental anguish often is accompanied by physical pain – achy joints, headaches, and stiff and sore muscles, none of which are helped when all one wants to do is stay curled up in bed. But there’s another pain depression brings – social pain from injured relationships. Recently, all I wanted to do was end my life; end the suffering. I couldn’t tolerate the anguish and hurt any longer. I didn’t want my family to suffer through the problems I cause them. As Dr. Mayberg so aptly described, I was numb but I hurt. I couldn’t think rationally, but I was aware of how much pain I was feeling. Yet, situations in my life needed handling. Relationships needed tending. After 10 ECT treatments, I was having trouble remembering what day of the week it was, let alone being capable of managing work, home life, friendships, or basic life sustenance. So when I botched my work relationships, unintentionally hurt a friend, left the parenting to my husband, and ignored my physical well-being, the ensuing pain of people being mad at me, distrustful of me, or frustrated beyond tolerance only served to deepen the hurt caused by my depression and further strengthen the desire to end the suffering by ending my life.

 How did I pull through this event – just one of many such instances in my adulthood – and come out of it willing to keep on, knowing something similar would occur again and again and again. The support and strength I gain from working with a therapist who has taken the time to learn about me made the difference. I had to try five different therapists before I found the one who worked best with me. If you suffer from treatment-resistant depression as I do, or even if you’re just going through an isolated bout of depression, I strongly encourage you to find a trained professional in psychology and counseling to provide a safe haven for talk therapy. No treatment has worked as well for me as therapy. For 50 minutes per week, I have someone who asks the right questions, provides guidance and insight, and has an empathetic ear when it comes to listening to my woes. After all, we have an illness that is as physical as cancer. If I were having a difficult time with chemotherapy, just as I am having difficulties with my ECT treatments, would there be more forgiveness and understanding for the mistakes I make in relationships? If I were on disability for not having full use of my limbs, just as I’m now on disability for not having a fully functioning mind, would people I know be less likely to tell me it must be nice to get paid for not working? Too often a person with depression wants to isolate him or herself, as much from not feeling confident in being able to handle relationships as in lacking motivation. When we do venture forth into a social setting and someone ends up being hurt – ourselves included – it’s absolutely necessary to have a caring therapist to help us deal with the pain. Otherwise, we’re just reinforcing the depression and its consequences, the ultimate of which would only cause the deepest pain to those who love us.

If you don’t have a rose bush or some other scented flowers, the next time you’re in a grocery store or pass a florist, walk over to the roses and find one that is laden with a heavy scent. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the joy permeate your being. You will walk a bit lighter and feel the darkness lift, if only for a moment. By living in the present and seeking out those moments of joy, we can find some balance to the despair.

Look for single moments of joy to sustain you during a difficult day.

This blog is an ironic “recipe book” with words you can live by – literally. As someone who has suffered from and lived with treatment-resistant depression for over 20 years, I write from experience on what helps make each day manageable. I intend to share ideas of what has worked as well as provide information on medically accepted treatments. I welcome comments and ideas from others who have lived with depression, either as a sufferer or a supporter of someone with this illness. Welcome to “The Joy of Depression,” and I look forward to exchanging “recipes.”